Have You Sheen It? I Heard It Sucks.

I feel safe in assuming that everyone is fully aware of the antics of Charlie Sheen, and rightfully so. When he derailed, he derailed hard. But, much to the astonishment of everyone near him, his surreal madness didn't ruin his career and send him into a publicity hell-hole.

They squandered that on Paul Reubens.

I <3 you, Pee-Wee.

I don't care what you did in the privacy of a public place.

What actually occurred was quite the opposite. Sheen's popularity blossomed like a deep-fried blooming onion from Outback Steakhouse. The more unappealing it got, the more we couldn't wait to eat up his insanity. After all, who doesn't want to turn on the TV and see a coked out loon talking about dark magic on CNN? The world was getting boring and terrifying and I firmly believe we needed a crackpot to steal the spotlight. Every one has to admit that for a brief moment we laughed and said, "The world isn't all that bad."

Maybe he is a warlock...

I'm about to tell you something either you didn't know or have known for a long time. Sheen, mecca of lunacy that he is, is playing up his crazy for the camera. He was genuinely nuts for maybe two weeks. Now, hes just playing a character that people expect to see him play. Sheen is the Pied Piper and we are the flocking forest creatures. Like him or not, you want to know what bizarre statement he made on Entertainment Tonight. Don't think I'm patronizing anyone for being curious, though. I love hearing how he is similar to an F-18 as much as the next guy, just be aware that he is acting. 

Real whackos actually dress like jets...

 And run around humming March of the Valkyries.

The American people are constantly aware of Sheen. They know what he does and who he does it to. So it was no surprise when Sheen began touring as some kind of one man travelling circus confessional. The tickets sold out within minutes and they weren't cheap, but the chance to see him do... What ever the sweet hell he was going to do seemed priceless.

It was like going to see Siegfried and Roy.

Except they were hammered.

So was the tiger.

I, too, thought seeing him would be awesome, but, alas, it was not meant to be. I gave up trying to get tickets some time ago and totally forgot it was even happening until recently. Someone mentioned that the first show was an ENORMOUS bomb. Disappointed though I was, I was really more curious as to why it was so bad. I was told that it wasn't funny, Sheen promised a 90 minute show and left after 45, and he was supposed to hang out at some bar for a Q&A, but showed up for ten minutes and left without answering any questions. People were apparently outraged and demanded their money back. A perfectly logical response.

Except its not.

I'll explain, so put your listening ears on.

Charlie Sheen is famous for being crazy, but he is only in the position he's in because he is a narcissistic jerk who breaks contracts and costs people a lot of money. Anyone picking up what I'm laying down? People paid a lot of money under the condition that they would see 90 minutes of Charlie Sheen being crazy on stage. Charlie Sheen notoriously does not care about contractual agreements. He was done sooner than he was supposed to be (a la Two and a Half Men) and people were just so very livid. Then when he didn't actually A any Q's, the world may as well have stopped spinning. I get that people were upset they got jipped, but... Well... Duh? You paid to see a self-centered asshole who costs people money, but got furious when he was a self-centered asshole who cost you money. He wasn't a sheep in wolf's clothing. He was a wolf that was wearing a shirt that said, "Wolf" with a big damn arrow pointing to his toothy grin. I'm not saying its right, but the fact that people were surprised says that maybe Sheen isn't the crazy one. At the end of the day, Sheen is bigger now than he ever was as an actor. He does what he wants all day long and comes home to his mansion filled with pretty blonde girls. He got millions of people to fall in love with him for being a cocky jerk. Deplorable or not, that guy has his life lock, stock and barrel.

Well maybe more like cut, roll and snort.

But you get the idea.